Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
