just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
