i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
