In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
