the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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