I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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