oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
