I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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