from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
