You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
