You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
