Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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