The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
