Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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