i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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