I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
