Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
