Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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