I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
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