I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
