make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
