I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
