went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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