WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
