SEEEEXXX PLEASE
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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