Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize
