i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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