'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
