Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
