Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
