he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
