i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Randomize
