false alarm. still invincible.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
