I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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