just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
