this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
