we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
