How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
