I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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