call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
