We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
