True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
