you're like a bully in the Christmas story
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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