They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
