I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
