I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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