Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
