Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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