I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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