Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I deserve this hangover.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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