I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
